We Almost Lost Her
There are days when I'm sure I can't do "this" anymore. A special needs mom. Yesterday was one of those days. Kelli was in her room with a cup of coffee. Erin and I were watching TV in the family room. I can't remember why but we turned off the volume. I heard a strange noise coming from Kelli's room. I listened for a moment and heard it again. I asked Erin, "Do you hear that?" "Is that Kelli?" Erin said "Somethings not right." We both started running to her room, flew open the door to find Kelli as blue as a blueberry. I had no idea what was wrong or what had happened. I didn't notice that she had thrown up all over the front of herself which may have saved her life. She was choking. Choking on what you ask? Her coffee!
This was the second time I'd seen Kelli this color and it was when she coded in the hospital during a seizure. She couldn't breathe and I prayed to God that I'd never see that again and here it was. Absolutely terrifying, heartbreaking and soul shattering. I don't think Erin and I have stopped shaking. You just don't get that scene out of your mind. All the awful things that could have gone wrong go through your head. You go over and over in your what would we do if she hadn't thrown up? You know the first responders would never make it in time. You sit there and realize you almost lost your child for the umpteenth time.
Choking happens to be one of my worst nightmares with Kelli. I've kept a closer eye on her since it happened. I'm concerned she may have aspirated and we'd have complications to worry about.
What do I do now? Do I ever leave her alone again? Why did this happen? God, in Heaven, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to do this anymore. It's so hard. How many times do I have to watch my child go through this? We're already so tired, why can't we get out of survival mode? I need some beauty for ashes.
But then I realized this morning...After the nightmare, I never thanked or Praised God for saving Kelli's life again. Again! How did I get so caught up that I forgot to worship the One who cares for us all?
We don't understand why this happened. Seizure?
As always, the only thing I can ask for is your prayers for Kelli and our family.